You Must Love Me
by DigimonDragonLady
Summary: Well...I don't know what to do about the rating here...its not really R kind of bad in content...but it does mention things that probably should go above a PG-13 rating...Kensuke. Like always. R/R please!


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Dragon Lady: ***is crying***

Ken: _Um…dl…? Dl what's wrong? _

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Dragon Lady: **;_; *is still crying***

Ken: ***looks at dl's new story* **_What on Earth…_**o.O **_You wrote a depressing story?!_

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Dragon Lady: ***breaks out into fresh wails***

Ken: ***in a daze* **_She doesn't own it. Digimon, I mean. She only writes fan fiction. Have a nice day. _***wanders off in disbelief***

Dragon Lady: ***continues to sob***

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You Must Love Me

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By: DigimonDragonLady

Where do we go from here?

This isn't where we intended to be.

It was raining. Not hard. Just drizzling. It was making the city look dingy and covered in gray. And it was a cold rain. Ken shivered as he hurried down the deserted city streets, no one else in their right mind was out in this weather unless they had to be, he was probably going to catch a cold after this. He tried to pull his coat closer around him to keep off the worst of the wet and wind. 

In one hand he held his coat together, and in the other he clutched a large suitcase tightly. Just when he thought he couldn't go a step farther he saw the entrance to the subway. He hurried down the wet stone steps into what little warmth the underground might provide. He shook some water off himself and looked at his watch. Ten minutes until his train. He could leave now. Go back home. He didn't have to do this…it could just end here…

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We had it all you believed in me.

I believed in you.

Ken shook his head and forced himself towards a line to buy a ticket. He did have to do this. It just couldn't go on this way. But he couldn't help thinking about being back at home. Maybe they'd call the Chinese delivery place, and curl up in front of a fire after eating…

NO! He couldn't think like that. It was over. It was over, he told himself sadly. It had to be this way. It had to. He couldn't live the other way. Knowing…knowing that nothing was real. It was had been horrible…but it had been perfect.

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Certainties disappear.

What do we do for our dream to survive?

How do we keep all our passions alive?

As we used to do.

Perfect in only a way that a relationship with Daisuke could be. So they lived together, shared the rent, shared a bed, had passionate, wonderful sex almost every night…It should have been enough, he told himself. It should have been enough. It wasn't enough. There wasn't any love in it.

"There shouldn't have been any love," Ken muttered. "We agreed that there wouldn't be," Ken reminded himself aloud. Several people on the tram with him gave him funny looks and moved to seats farther away. Ken didn't even notice. "We agreed there wouldn't be," he repeated sadly.

Just two gay men, living together. That was all. And if they wanted to have wild, crazy sex at every available opportunity…well…that was their life right? They didn't have to be in love to have that. But he had to leave. In order to be with Daisuke one had to be impartial to the feelings that should go with a relationship. Love. There couldn't be love. Love was an attachment, and one day, the person you loved would leave you. And then where would one be? Alone. And hurt. 

You couldn't depend on anyone but yourself. Ken told himself this over and over again. The tram started up, and he was aware that he was moving.

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Deep in my hear I'm concealing

Things that I'm longing to say

He didn't love Daisuke. He didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't depend on anyone but himself. Ken felt tears coming to his eyes. And what about Daisuke? He asked himself. What will he think when he gets home? He hadn't left a note, but even then it wouldn't take Daisuke long to figure out what had happened. What would he think? Ken wondered. That was simple. He wouldn't. Daisuke wouldn't care. He'd move on with his life, without giving Ken another thought. 

After all that they'd seen together as children. After all that they'd been through together, it would be easy for the other boy to forget him. Ken tried to tell himself that it would be easy for him to forget Daisuke too. It's better this way. He could just push him out of his thoughts and forget about everything. Just like that…

But he couldn't. He couldn't just forget Daisuke. Daisuke wouldn't care about what happened to him, but he could never forget. He did love him. Ken could feel the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. No! He didn't love him! He just thought he did, that was all. It was easy to mistake lust for love wasn't it? He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't cry over him. He put a hand to his cheek and it came away wet with his salty tears. He was crying over him. Daisuke…

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Scared to confess what I'm feeling

Frightened you'll slip away

"Daisuke I do love you," Ken whispered. "I do!" He was getting more funny looks. He didn't care. Ken looked down at his suitcase. "My god what am I doing?" he asked himself. "I shouldn't be here. I should be home. With Daisuke…"

The tram came to its first stop. Already? Ken blinked. How long had he been wallowing in these insane thoughts and self pity? He didn't care where he was. He exited the train immediately. He just had to go. He had to get…home.

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You must love me

You must love me.

"You have to feel the same way Daisuke," Ken whispered brokenly. "You just have to. I'm coming home to you. Please Daisuke…please feel the same way."

* * *

Daisuke sat on the couch staring at the television screen, which consequently, was turned off and completely blank. Just a dead, black screen. But Daisuke didn't even seem to care, or notice. His eyes stared straight at it, but his mind…his mind was somewhere far different.

He had come home, at the same time as usual. But something had been wrong, he had known that the moment he stepped inside the door of their apartment. He called out to Ken, but he hadn't gotten any response. That was strange. He had gone into their bedroom, and looked through the closet. Ken had taken a lot of his clothes, and his black, traveling suitcase was missing too. Maybe he went on an assignment and didn't have time to call me, Daisuke thought. Ken's job often took him distant places. Maybe that was all…

Deep in his heart Daisuke knew that Ken hadn't gone somewhere for work. He had left him. But he denied it. He tried to get mad at Ken. He should have called me, he repeated over and over again. He should have called me so that I wouldn't worry. _'You never called him when you'd be late home,' _a little voice in his head sneered at him. _'He never knew when you'd be out all night, or home in time for dinner. And why should you worry about him anyway? Isn't it always you that says you don't need to love anyone to be happy? Isn't he free to do as he pleases? Its not like you two are involved in anything more than sex.'_

"I'm not worried about him," Daisuke murmured, but he turned his gaze away from the television to stare instead at the phone, as if willing it to ring; so he could pick it up and hear Ken's voice on the other end, telling him that he was just going to be a little late because of some small problem at work. Ken was always considerate that way. He'd call…right?

Ken just couldn't be gone. He wouldn't leave. Why would he leave? Weren't they both…happy? Wasn't Ken happy? _'I don't think you're happy,'_ the voice was back, taunting him. _'I think you love him, and just don't want to admit it.'_ "No," Daisuke shook his head. _'Liar. You know you do. But does he love you? When he comes back, you should tell him. …If he comes back.'_

As he watched the phone, the doorbell rang. He was at the door in an instant. Ken stood there, sopping wet and holding his suitcase. Daisuke dragged him inside. They didn't say a word. Daisuke took Ken's coat and hung it over a chair in the kitchen to dry, and they went and sat down, still in complete silence.

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Why are you at my side?

How can I be any use to you now?

Looking at him now Daisuke knew that it had been Ken's intention to leave him. So…why didn't he? What did he think Daisuke could give him? All he wanted was the sex…right? It was just easier that way, wasn't it? There was no painful attachment. They'd agreed. They'd agreed…

So why was Ken back? He wanted something. That was it. He didn't love Daisuke. He couldn't. Of course not. The very idea was riddiculas. 

But…there wasn't anything that Daisuke could do for him. Ken had been lost when he was younger, and Daisuke had picked him up from where he'd fallen, and carried him back to the track he should have been on. He'd kept Ken sane. He'd been his first true friend after the Kaizer incident. He'd been the one that truly believed in what the boy could do. But they were past all that now. Ken was a strong person. He didn't need Daisuke like that anymore…

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Give me a chance and I'll let you see how

Nothing has changed.

It could still be the same. Yes it could, he told himself firmly. Nothing had to change. Nothing at all. They'd be just fine going back to the way they'd been before. They didn't need to ever mention this. Daisuke didn't need to ever think like this again. It would be as if…as if this whole thing had never happened.

They would be fine…There didn't have to be love. Ken…he didn't want love did he? Wasn't it Ken who always wanted to push the people closest to him away? Wasn't Ken the one that built himself emotional barriers so that he wouldn't care when someone left him first? Daisuke should have taken a leaf out of Ken's book and done the same. But it had never occurred to him that Ken would actually even think about leaving… 

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Deep in my heart I'm concealing 

Things that I'm longing to say

He had to tell him. He had to let him know how he really felt. Daisuke couldn't help but love Ken. He couldn't help it. He hadn't meant to fall in love with him…it hadn't been something he wanted to do…it had just…happened. What if Ken hated him though…?What if Ken rejected him? _'Why would he come back if he thought he would just reject you again?' _

Daisuke turned to look at Ken. He looked…he looked like he had been crying at some point. Ken had been crying? Over him maybe? He did have to tell him. He had to. "Ken…?" his voice came out sounding small, and unsure.

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Scared to confess what I'm feeling

Frightened you'll slip away

Ken turned to look at him as well, and his beautiful, violet eyes were glowing bright with tears. "Daisuke?" He threw himself into the other man's arms. "Daisuke…" He sobbed pitifully into his shoulder as the other held him close and slipped a hand up into his silky, indigo hair.

"I'm so sorry Daisuke," he cried again and again. "I'm so, so sorry…"

Do you love me Ken, Daisuke asked himself. You have to love me. I love you. I think…I think I'd die if you didn't love me too…

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You must love me.

You must love me.

"Ken, I'm sorry too," Daisuke whispered. "I was so worried about you. When I came home and you weren't here…" his voice trailed off. Ken just clung to him desperately.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he kept repeating.

"Don't do that to me again, Ken," Daisuke held him close. "Don't you ever do that to me again."

"Never," Ken agreed. He pulled back, and wiped away his tears. "Oh Daisuke," he sighed. "We really messed this up didn't we?"

"Big time," Daisuke nodded. He reached out and played with a lock of Ken's hair. "Ken-chan…"

Ken blinked. That was the first time Daisuke had ever added an endearment term to his name. Daisuke liked how the name sounded, and how easily it slid from his lips. "Yes, Daisuke?" he asked softly.

"Ken-chan. I love you. I really, really love you."

"I love you too Daisuke," Ken was in his arms again.

There. That hadn't been so hard to say. Not really. And…and Ken had said he loved him as well! Daisuke didn't think there was a man on the earth that could be as happy as he was at that moment. "Look Ken, I know we've never formally done anything together…" Ken looked at him expectantly. "Even though we've been together for so many years now…"

"So very many years," Ken whispered.

"Ken Ichijouji…I never, ever thought I'd say this to you, to anyone…but…I love you. I couldn't live without you. I'd be lost…" Daisuke looked unsure. Ken nodded encouragingly. "Ken…would you…like to go out to dinner?"

"Yes, of course," Ken breathed. He snuggled closer to Daisuke. "Its time we made some major changes around here."

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You must love me.

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Dragon Lady: ***sniffles* **

Ken: _Why are you still crying? The ending was sappy enough._

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Dragon Lady: _That's why I'm crying. Because the ending was happy._

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Ken: _So…was that why you were crying earlier?_

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Dragon Lady: _No. I was crying because the beginning was sad. So was everything but the ending._

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Ken: **-_-;; **_You confuse me…_

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Dragon Lady: **^^;;; **_Well…this only goes to prove that I can't write a fic that turns out completely sad…I don't own this song either. Isn't it so sad?_ ***sniffs* **_Just looking at the words doesn't do the song justice. Its called…surprise, surprise…_You Must Love Me_, and its on the soundtrack for _Evita. _I don't own the song either. _


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